During my addiction my mother would frequently talk about God. If I was in pain (through withdrawal or any other kind of mental anguish I may have been in) she would tell me to pray and God would take away my pain. So I did. But I still felt the pain. What did this mean?
Usually my first notion was that I was too bad for God to want to help me. Sometimes I would think that God was just too busy for him to notice me. Still further, if my pain was related to heroin, I would think that heroin was simply more powerful than God. In a way heroin was my God - if we were to, by definition, describe God as the entity or concept to which we attach power. I thought heroin gave me power.
My mother wasn't the only person who preached the 'good news' to me. My family introduced me to many Christians who all felt they had the answers that would 'save me'. Eventually I started to take a strong interest in the bible and saw it as compelling evidence for God's existence.
I first read through the New Testament with exception of Acts, which I still haven't completed. Then I read some of the Old Testament, I took one-on-one bible studies and group studies, went to church every Sunday successively for over a year and also did some of my own amateur preaching. The thought of hell was a scary prospect, so I tried my best to live by the bible. However, I had great difficulty trying to abstain from sex before marriage which left me feeling traitorous and fearful that my soul would be banished to the fiery pits of hell forever.
Nevertheless, I knew once I asked for forgiveness I would be forgiven. But, how could I keep asking for forgiveness then keep on 'sinning'? My life at this point felt like a dilemma; no matter what I did I felt I would end up in pain - whether it be in the fiery pits of hell, suffering the loss of my girlfriend or having fierce cravings for sex.
I started resenting my girlfriend and eventually relapsed. My enthusiasm for studying the bible and my faith considerably deteriorated. However, it wasn't long before I was admitted into another rehab. After completing this one I stayed clean and subsequently split up with my girlfriend. I was back on track and studying the bible once again. But, now I wasn't only reading the bible. I was also reading self help books and books on spirituality, plus working the twelve steps (a spiritual program for recovering addicts). Furthermore, I became acquainted with an individual, now my good friend and sponsor (mentor for the twelve steps), who enlightened me with some spiritual insights that would pave the way for my present thinking on spirituality and God.
What sticks in my mind most from the early relationship with my sponsor was his postulation that the devil doesn't exist. When he first said this I was sure he was the devil himself. However, the spiritual program I was working communicated the importance of having an open mind. So, that's what I tried to do and I kept my new friend as a sponsor and tried my best to listen and understand what he had to say.
It wasn't long before my ideas about God and the bible radically changed. Now when I read the bible I think of it more figuratively. And the words of Jesus have far deeper and more significant meaning than I had previously construed. I have come to think of God as an energy that can't really be explained. Yet, religious members proclaim laws, rules and rituals, presented as God given, as if they know something about God because it as been written in some ancient text, by people who have clearly portrayed an entity of intense power and intelligence with human characteristics.
Nevertheless, it is only natural for humans at that stage of evolution to attach human characteristics to God: Even today it's hard to picture God as something other than a man. We do use the pronoun 'he' when referring to God. This, I find very distracting when trying to communicate with God and of course it is highly sexist.
From the time of Moses the prominent societies of the world have been patriarchal and the texts permitted into the Bible since then have further perpetuated these values. This has further led me to believe that the Bible definitely does not deserve the authority that is attributed to it. It was most probably inspired by God, but again the people of that time and place were at a less evolved state than some of the people now and even less evolved than some other societies back then. God is all things. And we are all God - because God just is.
And that’s why my pain wasn't taken away instantly; because I thought some entity outside myself should help. What I didn't realise is that I am that entity. Furthermore, I wasn't truly in pain. The pain was an illusion. But, nonetheless an illusion that would lead me to the state I find myself in now. I have never felt so much love and peace in my life than I do now, knowing that I am part of God. I am Love and all the other spiritual principles. Everything else is my ego (my false sense of self that has developed because of my perceived detachment from God).
If anyone has any opinions, disagreements or other responses about any part of my account, please feel free to comment.
